THEY CALL ME "JOZEE"

"...only you know your own struggle and only you could understand the depth of the results." - Kevin Torres Franco

2010-04-19T01:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while, but I have a lot of emotions that I wish to express through the art of writing. Graduation is literally around the corner, and I have done a lot of thinking about what I have accomplished here at UC Berkeley. I feel like this final year at UC Berkeley has been, I believe, a pivotal turning point in my life. Yes, being at a university has taught me a whole bunch academically (I definitely view the world in a whole different light) but it has also taught me a lot about myself. The situations the university setting has placed me in has really allowed me to become a more independent person, a critical thinker, a less sensitive person, a new me. Studying abroad, living away from home, new friendships, redefining old ones and holding important tasks in student groups have all contributed to this new persona. Not to say that I wasn't a good person before all of this happened, I just feel the person I have become will benefit me a lot more in the future than the person I once was.

I remember a point in my university career where I use to place the feelings of others before mine, and up untill this point, I guess I have been comfortable with this and content with this ability of mine. Granted, I didn't know anything else and I enjoyed making other people happy. But I now realize that I have hindered certain experiences from doing just that. Luckily, the counseling I have been taking (for private matters) has helped me realize that I have been limiting myself with the things I want to do, the things I care about and the things I wish to pursue. If I don't want go to to that one party, I won't go. If I want to get yougurt, I will. Enough of saying "yes" all the time simply to make the other party happy. I need to make myself happy. And, as my friend Diana says, I'm doing me first. By putting peoples feelings before mine, I have also limited myself from being completely honest with people. I've always felt like me being honest would make people upset, and I remember always feeling like I never truly said what I meant. Counseling has also helped with this. I now speak my mind, say the utter truth and never hold back anything. If you annoy me, I tell you. If you get me upset, you will know. If you offend me, be careful. If I don't like you, prepare to know. If I don't like what you said, I will explain why. I'm over holding my tongue for the sake of sparing peoples feelings. Although it may seem cliche, honesty is the best policy. People often associate me with being the "nice guy" that "everyone gets along with," and they are most certainly right. But I think the fact that I get along with a lot of people derives from the fact that I spare peoples feelings, and that I never say what I want. In history, those who make change and produce results are those who speak their minds regardless if they may upset people and or institutions. Since I want to produce change and results in the future, I am glad I have adopted this new ability of mine to be brutally honest and do away with feeling "bad" for saying what I believe. If I loose friends for being brutally honest, then I'll talk to you later. This is the new me. Take it or leave it.

I've also learned not to wait on people, for if I do, I loose my capability of doing more. I always use to wait for people to eat or hang out or go somewhere, but now whenever I want to do something, I do it when I want. I don't wait for people. I need to take charge of myself, my desires and wants. I need to worry about making me happy instead of making other people happy first. Another thing I have adopted is allowing other people to come to me. I am almost always the friend who initiates hang outs, produces ideas for outings and I will not do that anymore. I have done my part for as long as I can remember. If you want to hang out, let me know. This mindset has helped my "don't wait around" policy. And, if I have time, then I will let you know. Although counterarguments may suggest that friendship is a two-way street and I should initiate hangs outs as well, I agree. I absolutely agree. This is why I am now letting others take the wheel, and manage the friendship. Managing friendships is a very difficult task, and only will the other person finally appreciate a friendship when they realize how much work it takes to sustain it.

I also wanted to take the time to thank USEU for being part of my life, and for coming into my life at the perfect time. I won't get into much detail as to what has happened, but things have significantly changed this academic year and I felt lonely for a huge part of it. But then I got really invovled with my student organization, and I hold USEU very close to my heart. It has allowed me to branch out to other people, to get closer to people, to establish a family on a campus that--at times--is very intimidating. Being part of a huge statewide conference brought all of the USEU members a lot closer to the point where we feel like family, I know I can call up any of those members and know they will have my back without question. USEU is a blessing, and it's weird how things work out, how things happen for a reason. USEU has allowed me to take full advantage of my last year at UC Berkeley....from traveling to UCSB for a USEU retreat, to throwing my very first fund raising party at Blakes (planned and organized by me), to selling elotes locos, to putting the smack down at ASUC for funding and then the amazing statewide conference. USEU has allowed me to realize how much potential I have, how much ability I have, how creative I am and how much I can get done if the drive and passion are there. USEU has taught me a lot, USEU has erased the lonely feeling I once felt consumed my last year at Cal...USEU is amazing. USEU is my family. My home away from home. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Cheers to graduation, and cheers to a new me.

Gracias,
Jose Gonzalez

"It's going to happen sooner or later."- Anonymous

2010-01-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

Winter Break has allowed me to think of a plethora of things that I otherwise would be unable to--at least thoroughly. As negative as "loneliness" is depicted by many, I think loneliness brings about the best in people because they think about their lives, what's missing, how to make it better and what to do to change. It also gives us a chance to just think about ourselves for a change, without the intervention of outside forces such as friends and family. You know, as bad as I thought spending lots of time alone would be, I'm pleasantly surprised that I've enjoyed some time alone. I think I haven't spent this much time alone for a long time. At the beginning, I feared loneliness partially because I thought it would be an utter bore. However, I've come to realize how loneliness allows me to explore certain aspects of myself that I otherwise wouldn't be able to with people surrounding me.

I won't go into much detail, but my life has changed dramatically to the point where I won't be around people so often. The transition was tough, let's not even get it ah-twisted, but I think it's going to be beneficial sooner or later. I remember, when I was getting use to everything, how I felt my loneliness was a personal attack and I felt very resentful towards the people who were absent in my daily life. Nevertheless, I felt this new "chapter in my life" (per say) allowed me to explore more of myself because I placed my desires and wants before others. I have done a lot of thinking thanks to the new loneliness, and I have come to the realization that I need to do me first. I think my experiences have been somewhat hindered by my inability to place my feelings before others. It's cool though, I have had some amazing experiences. But it's time for a change. I'm not saying I'm going to be completely selfish, but I will just think twice before I agree to do anything or say something and think "is this what I want? or am I just saying/doing this for the sake of making the other person happy?" It's time to make myself happier, and I think the first step is to think of me before others. As selfish as that sounds. Something I've been thinking about lately is the idea of "letting go" and the distancing of relationships...whether it's a mother-son relationship or just a friendship.

Honestly though, when is the best time to "let go?" The question is rhetoric just because I think the answer to that is subjective. The question has been something that has been bothering me lately, just because I'm not sure when is the right time to let go or just accept something regardless of how hurtful or difficult it may be. I think I have grown so accustomed to my life, that such a drastic thing as to "let go" seems almost impossible. However, I feel if I don't let go when situations require it, then I get hurt more....so my best bet is just to accept things just the way they are. If I'm thinking selfishly though, what if I don't want things to change? What if I don't want things to become distant? What if I'm scared of distance or letting go? Unfortunately, my selfish ways do not coincide with the ability to let go. There just simply cannot be any form of "letting go" when someone is selfish. When it comes to friendships and family relationships, things are "going to happen sooner or later"--although I'd prefer later. I'm sooner or later going to have to ask tell my mother I want to move out, sooner or later I'm going to get into a relationship which would probably create a distant relationship with my closest friends. Is it just part of nature? Is there a way to avoid becoming distant with my mother or a friend? I feel with distance comes change, a change that would inhibit things from ever being the same as before. I'm not sure if I'll ever be fit to "let go" or to become distant. I'm a person who likes routine, who likes the way things are, who is scared of a big, unwelcoming change. The question then becomes, will I ever be ready? And if so, when? Only the future will tell. Let's see what happens.

"Feliz Año Nuevo."- Mom

2010-01-01T01:04:00.000-08:00

So, it's about that time again to commemorate the coming of a new year. For this blog entry, I wanted to recap the most important, memorable, life-changing moments of 2009. Last year was perhaps one of the most interesting (good and bad) years of my life, and I have learned a significant amount about myself. Interestingly enough, I always thought I knew myself: my expectations, my limits, my potential, but there are certain instances throughout the year that have significantly changed my life and that have been pivotal for my development into a more mature, independent and intellectual person.

Rome, Italy:

My year actually started much like my roomate (and very good friend) Kevin's 2010 has started, traveling. Like I've mentioned in previous blogs, UC Berkeley has bestowed a myriad of opportunities and has opened a plethora of doors. One of the most prominent and obvious experiences granted to me because of my enrollment at Cal is studying abroad. Studying abroad in Italy has been an experience of a lifetime, an experience that has changed me for the better and an experience that has transformed me into a more well-rounded, independent person. Although my explanation may sound familiar with several study abroad students proclaiming that their "lives have changed," my experience has really been life changing.

I remember wanting my roomates to really liked me, and I remember always doing what they wanted in order to fit in. However, God has undoubtedly blessed me with amazing friends that I could turn to for incredible, sincere, honest advice. I remember calling my close friend Diana Baires using Skype, and I remember her saying "you do not have to be friends with them, Jose. do you when you're in Rome." I remember crying and taking her advice in, and I think her advice and guidance is partially the reason why my experience was so memorable. I spoke to Diana on a Monday night, and on Tuesday morning I woke up with a whole new perspective on my life in Italy. That Tuesday morning I remember walking to school by myself, not waiting for anyone of my roomates. I remember walking back to my apartment alone at night, and I felt good. I felt proud of myself for my ability to be independent in such a foreign location. I couldn't even walk to the Cal library at night without a friend, but Italy (with the guidance of Diana) forced me to gain some courage, self-respect and independence that allowed me to go out on my own. From the day forward, I walked everywhere by myself and I didn't even feel lonely. If anything, I felt amazing with my ability to do something I never knew I had the courage to do. Diana Baires had such an influence on my independence and my beautiful experience in Italy.

My best friend, Esmeralda Ortiz, also deserves some credit for my amazing experience in Italy. Esme kept my sane from all my roomate's bullshit. Esme was always with me, even if I were just going to Di per Di by the school to buy a bottle of coke. Together, we were a family away from a family. I didn't feel lonely, despite my newly aquired ability, but that's only because Esme was there. Had she not been there, I'm not sure if I would have acquired the level of independence I did. Esme also acted as a personal lifesaver, always there to help me with issues with my roomates, issues at home and even money issues abroad. I counted on Esme for almost everything when I were abroad. She took on the sister-role with the outmost perfection and for that I am eternally grateful.

Italy also introduced me to amazing new, life-long friends: Cynthia Brice, Inna Inker, James Tong and even Ryan Friedman (one of my roomates). In terms of establishing new friendships, 2009 has been the year. Italy has also brought upon me an epiphany that my best friend Lupe once talked to me about I remember her telling me how she was just on the bus, and thought about how hard her parents move to the United States from Mexico was. I too had this epiphany. Although our study abroad program definitely took care of us, when my parents came over they didn't have English courses or the ability to live off financial aid. Life for them most have been hard...and I respect them both even more now for their courageous immigration.

PB:

Summer 2009 has been one of the most stressful, yet most educational summers of my life. Even though I've worked for the program for several consecutive summers, I somehow managed not to get the director position and was under the supervision (per say) of another director that shall remain nameless. Despite my "assistant director" title, I definitely felt like the "director" as teachers came to me for disciplinary issues, parents came to me for advice, i was in charge of the graduation ceremony. I practically did everything. I even taught an Elementary Italian course on top of everything. Moreover, the dance idea I proposed to the 8th graders was a hit and perhaps the best routine that summer.

Nevertheless, I felt my work has always gone unnoticed and under appreciated. I felt my title as "assistant director" out shined my "director" skills and role. Nevertheless, I've learned how to communicate with teachers on a more intimate, professional level and have gotten a taste of what an important, high-ranking position like director feels like. Although I didn't get the director position this summer, I'm still thankful for the experience I've gained throughout my duration in the summer program. However, I cannot continue writting without expressing my resentment towards the decision not to hire me as a director. I was notified of this quite recently, and have yet to rant about this. Regardless if the organization encourages upward social mobility via education, the program itself exhibits attributes which ultimately hinder the progression of the very students they teach! I was told there was "politics" behind the director position, and host schools prefer the director come from their school. Hello! I've been with the program CONSISTENTLY since I was in third grade, I know a lot of staff and I have gained the respect of almost everyone there. Nevertheless, they usually "hire people with a bachelor's degree." Um, yah, you did the last time and it was a mess. I'm pissed off with this decision for th mere fact that the glass cieling was at play here, exhibited with an outreach program? really? how ironic. They said "yes, Jose, we'll consider you." I can therefore "see" the opportunity but politics like having a director from school-staff acts like the glass cieling. This is some bull shit. I will not return to the summer program unless I am offered a director position. I've worked many, many years and have recieved the same salary despite my education level. I won't be working for a program that won't allow me to better myself. It's unfair to me. I need to stop thinking about the well-being of the program (i.e., it's stability and the students) and think about myself for a change. I think I have consistently put others desires and feelings first before mine, and this year that will change. I'm not going to stop being a good person, but people respect those who respect themselves. And I don't think I've been respecting myself as much as I should be.

UC Berkeley:

Berkeley has perhaps been one of the most influential aspects of my life. Berkeley has taught me so much about myself, and what I strive to achieve in the future. Just sitting in Doe Library makes you feel important, intelligent and like you're doing something with your life. It's an unexplainable feeling. The massive, grandeur, and luxury of Doe makes me feel extremely privileged to even be able to enter the Main Stacks where thousands of books are available at my disposal. Not many have such an opportunity and blessing. One of the things I am most grateful for is how I learned to be semi-independent through the situation college-life places me in. Living in an apartment forced me into paying bills on time, and making proper choices. Although I do drink, I'm always aware of my surroundings and who is with me. If I don't have a close friend of mine around, I probably won't drink as much as I want (haha). Berkeley has also allowed me to recognize my potential. I remember feeling stupid and out of place when I first arrived at the campus, but maybe taking Astronomy 10 wasn't the best idea. However, after I got the hang of things, I slowly but surely saw my grades increase in my papers and test scores. I a proud to say that this year I didn't get anything below a B+ on an essay. Berkeley has educated me well, and for that I will always be grateful. Berkeley has also taught me personal things when it comes to girls, it's been a rollercoaster but an educational one. I also see the world through another lens, a lens that I see more suitable for myself. A lens that makes me feel confident. I am happy that I am not able to speak my mind, back it up with theories and other things, to prove my point. I always grew up unable to speak my mind. Berkeley taught me that it's okay to disagree, but you must disagree and back your shit up. Berkeley taught me how to back my shit up. I am also happy that I am able to speak of current events, political trends and other things, but I'm still grateful that I am able to balance both my academic world and my personal world. I remember a famous quote that says, "you don't know where you're going until you know where you've been." I whole-heartedly agree with that statement.

Ortiz Family:

Perhaps one of the most influential aspects of my life is the Ortiz Family. A family that has been bestowed into my life. My family frequently feels unorthodox, dramatic and like not a family. All my relatives hate each other, I barely speak to my sister, my parents fight all the time and I'm usually always the one who has to mediate between fights. I'm the messenger when people are mad at each other. I am not seeking pity, and I don't feel bad for myself. It's part of me. But I needed to paint a picture of my life in order to explain the immense positive effect the Ortiz family has had on me. I have become part of another family, a family who is stable, who love each other, a family who always come together in the most memorable moments. I can't remember the last time my grandmother wished me a happy birthday. Their stability gives my unstable life some form a stability. I know I can always count on Esme, Lupe and Jo for advice I can't find anywhere else. If it weren't for Lupe, I probably wouldn't even be in Berkeley. If it wasn't for Esme, my mom and I would probably not be talking. If it weren't for Jo, I probably wouldn't have had great times. I am most euphoric when I am around them, and that probably derives from their stability that I too wish to have in the future. The Ortiz family has been a blessing. Their acceptance of me into their family shows the kind nature, good-hearted people that they are. Let's not even get it twisted, they have bomb parties and amazing food!

I think I'm going to stop writing now. All of the subtopics I've written about are memories I have of 2009 and things I am grateful for. Sometimes, you just have to write everything out to feel that your thoughts are organized. I had a lot on my mind, and still do. But that will have to wait for another occasion.

Thank you all who actually read my blog. It means a lot.

"My situation hinders progress.”- Jose

2009-12-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

Epiphanies come at the most random moments. I recently had an important epiphany that I expect will set the foundation of my life after graduating college. Although living with my mother comes with special, important and convenient benefits like free food, laundry and rent, there are certain aspects of living under the roof of a parent which could potentially hinder the progress of a child’s future. Especially a man’s future (as gendered and sexist as that may sound). Let’s not get confused, I am grateful for everything my mother has done for me, and I am even more thankful for the risk she took to move out on her own in order to move away from an abusive husband. Nevertheless, I need to recognize that I am a 21-year old man who has options that would enable me to become more independent in society. Regardless if I am of legal age, I feel like I’m still treated as if I were a child. Phrases like “have you brushed your teeth” or “why are you going to sleep so late” are common in my household. Should such phrases be uttered to a 21-year old man? I know I live in her home and should respect her rules. I do. However, the phrases mentioned above are not needed in order to respect rules…I shouldn’t feel so controlled at this age. I know my mother comes from a different culture than I do, and the fact that I’ve been mommy’s boy for a long time probably doesn’t work in my favor, but I need to grow up. Living here doesn’t allow me to do so.

Why have I started to think like this all of a sudden? Two recent events have sparked the idea. One of my close friends has recently started a new, independent life of her own. When she invited me and other friends over, I felt good. I felt like an adult. Drinking wine, relaxing, talking about recent events and eating food…just enjoying each other’s company without worrying about parental intervention. Another event that has sparked this idea is my best friend who has recently started a relationship. She is happy, a different kind of happy that I’ve never seen before. A certain type of happiness I too strive to have one day. I’ve never had a relationship, and—although there are a myriad of reasons as to why that may be—I feel that my living situation might hinder a relationship to flourish in the future. Why this sudden mindset? Let’s face it, I want a family. My best friend and her entire family know I want children (boys!), and for that I obviously need the other half. We have often joked that I will probably be the first one to have children. I beg to differ. At least not with the current living situation I’m in. Even though it’s common in Latino families for children to leave the home once married, times have changed and my mindset perhaps fits the American style more so than the Hispanic style. Let’s say I go out on a date or something, and I meet a girl. How would she react to some grown man living with his mother still? And in a one-bedroom apartment at that! I won’t be able to get to know her as much as I would like. My mother still insists on a curfew, how would I tell a girl “oh…I can hang out until 1am.” That’s just not going to work. It just doesn’t look appealing when a 21 year old still lives at home, has a curfew. One of the most prominent ways of getting to know someone is to spend one-on-one time with them. If my time, however, is limited due to a time curfew any potential relationship progress is severely hindered. I want to be able to take a girl back to my place, to drink some wine, watch a movie and just spend time together without my mom hovering over us. I think I wouldn’t even invite her if my mother would be around.

Many people may be asking, “why not just move out then?” Well, things are quite complicated. My mother and I are very close although I feel our relationship has been more distant now that I’ve been in college. Thank God for college. Every time I talk about “buying my house” my mother always corrects me saying “our house.” Honestly, no…I want it to be my house. My house only. I feel my mother would take over the house, decorate how she wants and despite how old I am, what occupation I have and how much I contribute to the maintenance of the house I will most likely still have to abide by her rules. If I have a wife, I will have to seek her permission for my mother to stay with us. Nevertheless, I just do not want her there. It would be weird I think. Do not get it wrong, I love my mother. But just because I’m moving away won’t mean I will stop loving her, and it doesn’t mean I won’t be helping her out financially if I’m blessed enough to be able to do so. My mother wants grandchildren, I’m sure of it. However, I won’t be able to grant her that wish if she doesn’t step away or if do not move to a place of my own. Sometimes I feel like I’m just coming up with excuses in order to feel okay and at ease with my thoughts about moving. Sometimes I feel like a bad, ungrateful son. I’m just thinking about my future here, though. I want a family, I want children, but for that I need to step away and allow a potential relationship to prosper without the barriers my mother establishes with her rules. Then again, I do not want my mother to be alone. However, I shouldn’t have to inhibit my future happiness and family for the sake of keeping my mother company. As bad as that sounds, I feel that statement is legit. Am I thinking moving out soon? No. Am I thinking after college? Definitely. Am I thinking when I have a steady job? You bet. But, when is the right time to tell her or start hinting it? Should I pursue this? I was actually thinking by this time next year, hopefully if I have a job, to have my own place. I would definitely have to make calculations in terms of rent, food and utilities but I’ve done that before. Cal has taught me well. I’m sure I can do this. Am I risking a good relationship with my mother for the mere purpose of potentially establishing a relationship? Nothing happens without risks, but I’m not sure if this is the risk I’m whiling to take. What I do know, however, is that I want a family. And in my heart, I feel this won’t be possible under the roof of my mother. She should understand me, but I fear she won’t. I think she will take it as a personal attack on her rather than a personal decision to pursue my dream of a family. What should I do?

"I can see you as a teacher."- Ira Birnbaum

2009-01-05T09:34:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone and sorry for leaving everyone hanging for a long time. I've been busy preparing for Italy and working like an ox to not feel the pain of the exchange rate from the dollar to the Euro too much. Now that work is over and preparing for Italy is slowly coming to an end, I have to time to blog. I won't be critiquing society or a famous person this time; I'm actually going to just think out loud. Writing has become therapeutic, and whenever I'm stuck in an awkward situation I either turn to music or writing to let everything out. Here we go:

If you know me well, you'll know what I want to do after college. Like most Political Science majors, I want to go to Law School. Being a lawyer or being professionally involved with the law has always been a career path I wanted ever since I was a boy. Oh, I do remember wanting to be a singer at one point--that went down the drain. Haha. Entering UC Berkeley, I knew exactly what I wanted: Major in Political Science, study for the LSATs my Junior year, apply for Law School and head straight over after Berkeley. I wanted to focus primarily on immigration law and perhaps even family law because I wanted to deal with cases concerning immigrant families and domestic violence. This was my vision all throughout Berkeley. Interestingly enough, however, as my years come to a close at my amazing university, I've had a sudden change of heart. Part of my change of hear perhaps deals with my passion for working with children, and maybe because many people have told me that I would be effective with them. I'm thinking of becoming a teacher of some sort now. Yeah, I know right, lawyer to teacher...It's crazy. At my summer job at Peninsula Bridge, I've changed positions from being a student, to a teacher's aid, to a an administrative assistant, to assistant director...I've seen the many faces of the academic world. As part of the program, I was required to teach an elective course. I've taught violin, creative writing and most recently psychology. Many of my students used the techniques I taught them in the creative writing elective in their English class of the program. The teachers we're impressed with me, but also with the progress of their students. I felt effective. Teaching psychology was perhaps one of the most academically stimulating situations I've had with younger kids. They were intrigued to understand the parts of the brain and their function, the milgram experiment, the stereotypes and gendered roles within Disney movies, they were almost always interested and never bored. I don't know if it was a case of sucking up, but many students complimented the class and were eager to learn. I don't want to pat myself on the back to often, but I think that's pretty impressive.

Although I think I would enjoy being a teacher, many things are holding me back...and I don't know if these are legit reasons of how I should even feel. I think, at this moment, I feel uncomfortable just because all of this is new territory. Like I said, being a lawyer has been my life since I can remember. Here are my list of reasons with their respective explanations:

Money: As shallow as this may sound, money is important. Having lived in a low-income family household all my life, living in a studio apartment with my mom, and having to work a lot to pay my own bills and help my mother out...what I seek in my future is economic security. I want to feel secure in all of my purchases. I bought a dryer, okay, great don't have to think about it. I just put a large down payment on my car, great...that doesn't effect me much. I want my life to be comfortable. I've had to worry a lot about my mom being able to accumulate the necessary to pay for rent, I had to worry about this and even take out emergency loans to cover the rest and to avoid overdraft charges. I'm not seeking pity from anyone, believe me, after all I've gone through pity is the last thing I need. Maybe I haven't researched it much, but from what I sort of understand is that teacher's don't make much money. I fear I won't have the lifestyle I want if I pursue this career. A dream of mine, in addition, is to own a house, a big house in Hillsborough. Will I be able to to do this? Don't be quick to judge either, why does it have to be Hillsborough? Because, it's my dream...and I don't feel I have to let go of dreams. Why a big house? One: I want a family and take care of my mom. Two: I live in a studio apartment with my mom...do you get me? Anyway, money is a big thing. Shallow? I guess. But whatever. If you have lived close to poverty for a long time, when you're getting a world class education, raising your standard of living is pivotal. On a lighter note, I really want a black Cadillac CTS with nice, shiny rims and beat!

My mother: Yes, I'm 20 years old...but she's my mother. Her well-being and comfort depends on my success, so let's not even get that twisted. My mom has very high expectations, believe it or not, and I realized this whens he was drinking and letting her heart out at a friends birthday party. She pretty much said she wants to retire, live with her son and his family, and live in a big house in Hillsborough. I was kind of disappointed and saddened by her words (I'm not sure why though), but I've been thinking a lot lately and I don't really blame her for thinking the way she does. Retire? I don't blame you mom. My mom works hard to maintain us, she works every single day except Sundays...my mom works too hard. I want her to work less, and enjoy life more and not worry about bills or expenses. Live with me? Of course, who else would she live with? Although I would have to talk with my wife about this before hand, I don't mind if my mom lives with me. It's the least I can do for everything she has done for me. I want her to be rent-worry-free. Also, I'm practically the only family she has here. As for the house, I don't even blame her for thinking like this. I see it as love, actually. Love because she wants me to achieve my dream of owning a house in that neighborhood. My mom has an idea of how much teachers make, and I don't know if she would approve of my change in career path. Ultimately, I completely understand this, the decision is up to me. Yes, I realize this. But the decision won't only be affecting me, it'll be affecting my mother as well. I'm thinking for two people here

As of now, those are the two things that are swaying my decision. I've heard people saying to me "you'll make a great teacher" often, and I actually believe that to be true. A father-figure of mine, who I hold to the highest esteem, told me to "do what makes you happy." I'm sure I'll be happy as a teacher. I understand that the house is a material thing, but I ain't gonna lie...it'll make me very happy to own that big spanish-syle house, with the red tile roofs and the palm trees. But I guess that's the materialistic side of me talking. Something Lupe, perhaps the most influential person in my life, told me last night at dinner was "...I see that, kids like you." It's true! I love kids and I'm pretty good with them. I partly blame my mom for this, for exposing me to all the cute babies and kids she use to take care of as a nanny. Being liked will probably be one aspect of my effectiveness. I want to see a minority student go to college, and I think--with my help and the help of SMYF--this can be possible. Anyway...another long blog, sorry! But yeah, I'd like some advice or words of encouragement per favore.

"Mr. Gonzalez" (that has a ring to it, doesn't it?)

Gracias,
Jose Gonzalez

"I need a blue horse, it's for a boy. This one is pink."- Customer at Work

2008-11-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

First thing I think of when I wake up today, "damn, it's Black Friday and I work at Toys'R'us at 12:00pm." However, my mom mentioned earlier how it was better to work at 12:00pm since the store opened at 5:00am; I wouldn't be getting the worse of the day. Mom's are always right. By the way, I had an excellent day today! Anyway, this posting reflects something I've noticed in society lately, and something I've been speaking about constantly with my friends--gender. Albeit I haven't taken a Gender and Womyn's Studies class at UC Berkeley, I've come to personally think of gender as a social construction. To my surprise, a friend of mine majoring in GWS agreed. So, it was nice to think that I came up with this on my own. Anyway, you might be saying to yourself, "damn, this is hella random. How did he even start thinking of it." In a short answer, a customer came to me saying he wanted a particular horse, bringing with him a pink one as a sample, but he wanted a "blue one because it's a gift for a boy." This got me thinking...a lot about gender, toys and society.

Since an early age, we are told what we should and should not like. I remember the days where my dad once told me that I should play with my cars because those are boy toys. However, even as a male, I find that particular toys emphasize societal genderized roles. For instance, take the power tool toys boys have available to them. Men are expected to mature their mechanical abities, build things, make things, fix things. In contrast however, girls have the kitchen sets and the babies--which remphasizes the womyn's role in the kitchen and taking care of the children. With these toys in the daily life of children, they begin to accept their toys as the norm and what they should and should not be like or act like. My mom takes care of kids for a living, and I always love to play with them. She has taken care of these two little girls for as long as I can remember, and they love to play "house." Of course, I'm the daddy. So what they do is they say, "just sit there. I'll cook you some food." So, it just shows how toys reiterate to children their position and roles in society. I find this to be limiting. Boys tend to develop their mechanics better then girls, which perhaps correlates with why engineering majors tend to be predominantly men. At UC Berkeley, I know only one girl who's majoring in engineering. Clearly, toys are limiting--especially to girls.For instance, why do girls only have oven toys like the "EasyBake Oven" and toys like make-up kits and why do boys usually have the legos, connext, and building trains?

In society, we are told what's for boys and what's for girls. Pink = girl. Blue = boy. Because this has been a societal norm, it's taken like cold, hard fact. However, if you really think about it, if society suddenly started saying that pink = boy than we will all start beliving this. If you look at toys, girl toys tend to be in pink boxes (think Barbie) while boy toys tend to be in blue boxes (think Hot Wheels). Also....the Barbie. Honestly? By far the most unrealistic toy. Barbies are built to have the perfect body and perfect overall image. Girls are therefore TOLD what beauty is. Imagine how psychologically damaging that may be when a little girl looks at herself and she doesn't look like Barbie the "epitome of beauty." It's unrealistic. It sends the wrong message.

So the next time you say, "dam, you're such a girl." What are you really saying? Are you limiting the roles of womyn? And, isn't your comment just reinforcing genderized roles? Think about it. Also I find it funny when guys dress up as girls for Halloween, because they transform themselves into societal expectations of what a girl should be or vise-versa.

Gracias,
Jose Gonzalez

P.S. Sorry this blog wasn't as long as the others.

"Do you need training again?"- Supervisor

2008-11-25T11:21:00.001-08:00

I swear writing has become my new form of therapy...I was in class, with this situation stuck in my head, and even though I'm hungry I decided to come to the computer lab in Wheeler Hall and just let everything out.

I've had something bothering me since I got off my shift at work on Sunday, and maybe because I've been talking about it often it's gotten to me. I recently told my best friend about the situation, and she believes my feelings are legit and even told me she's felt the same way before. For the purposes of the story, I'll be referring to my co-worker/supervisor as ED and my place of work simply as "the store." I don't want to put anyone on blast, or make the store look bad. The story really pushes it's employees--especially the cashiers--to sell protection plans, open credit and sell certain items. I was having a very good day on Sunday, in terms of numbers. I sold several protection plans and sold few items. However, the managers focus precisely on opening credit. Keep in mind, the economy is in shambles and people do not want to open credit. I wouldn't. I think the store has high expectations of me simply because, on my first day on the job, I opened credit. Anyway, I've had a previous verbal encounter with ED and I thought all was well. Apparently, I was wrong...I think? So, I had over $50.00 in protection plans and no credits. ED decides he wants me to "show [my] goal card." First thing he says, "get me some credit" and then goes on to put smiley faces on my protection plans, a okay face on the items i sold, and a sad crying face on the credit. He came over to me on several occasions, and he added tears to the face and even a river because he wanted me to "build a bridge" (i.e. sell credit so the damn face is happy). On the third occasion he came to me, and saw that numbers didn't change, with the exception of two extra protection plans, ED said "com'on Jose. I've sold 5 already and I haven't been on the register as long as you." Okay, first off....this isn't motivation, if that's his intent. If anything, it's condescending and very offensive. What you're basically telling me is I'm better than you in selling credit. It's offensive in the sense that he doesn't think I can do my job, regardless if I was successful in protection plans or not. Rubbing your success in my face does not correlate as motivation, and--in my opinion--shows a complete lack of good managerial skills. With that in mind, I've lost complete respect for you as a manager. Bringing people down to make yourself seem superior is immature, childish and--honestly--just sad. You're supposed to make your employees feel good; we, the employees, are making you look good. Another instance where my numbers weren't as high as ED wanted, he took me aside and he's all like, "Do you need training again? Here, let me train you." Again, not motivation but a slap in the face and very offensive. Who the hell do you think you are? Honestly. I'm a strong advocate for the saying in order to get respect, you need to give it. Believe me when I say, don't respect me don't expect me to respect you. It's just not going to work. Knowing how ED argues and tries to justify himself, he probably say that other managers would be the same. No, that's incorrect. Other managers applaud you for the success you've done and then nicely push you to get credit. They do not rub their success in my face in order for me to gain motivation. Why Ed? Well fuck, it doesn't work. One more time you treat me like crap, you best believe I won't even make an effort. Another instance where I felt downgraded by ED was when he said, "you don't work closings because of me." What? Am I supposed to go on my knees and thank you? What are you really trying to prove? That you have some sort of power in the store? Trying to impress me? Sorry, you fail. Yay, you sell credit. Yeah, um, can you write a paper concerning the appropriation of race, the politics behind schema-based processing or the push and pull effects of immigration? No, I didn't so. In short: get over yourself.

ED, in my opinion, has a power trip. He is one year older than me, and I think there are reasons behind him wanting to feel and seem "superior" than me. You're the same age as as me! You really expect me to respect you when you're treating me like dirt? Are you kidding me? I try to stay as calm as I can, but one more time I feel unjustifiably subordinate I will not keep quiet. Most of the employees at the store are well aware that I go to UC Berkeley and am on my way to study abroad in Rome. If you think I'm coincided, whatever, but that's pretty spectacular since it's a prestigious university. I tell them almost about everything, even the $1,000 scholarship I won to study abroad. As my best friend and I spoke, we believed that part of his desire to make me feel inferior is partly based on jealousy but I juts don't know. It can be any number of things. Also, if you really want to use rubbing success in someone's face as motivation...here's mine: I'm a poor student,living in the ghetto, who attends one of the most prestigious universities in the country, I'm on full financial-aid, on my way to Rome to study abroad (all expenses paid), I'm doing well at UC Berkeley with hopes of becoming a successful lawyer. Now, ED what are you doing with you life? Showing off your skills in selling credit? Ha, doesn't compare. Now, knowing my success, get your ass motivated to do something with your life. My success, in addition, illustrates the type of person I am and the type of person ED has as an employee. I am a dedicated, hard worker, with a good head on my shoulders...so you making me feel inferior because I'm not "working" is seriously flawed. Look where I'm at. Think about it...Do not treat me as an inferior; I'm highly educated, very hard-working, and your image at the store depends on how I do. Don't even get that twisted. Real talk. And for the record, Ed, you mean nothing to me.

Critique of store protocol: I'm currently taking a very interesting class Political Science 181 "Public Administration and Organizations." The course focuses on why organizations fail or succeed. I'd like to applaud the store for great managerial skills that I learned in class and agree whole-heartedly in. According to an article, managers should update their employees about successes and consistently remind them about the goal in mind. At the store, we get goal cards and managers update us hourly on numbers. Great work. However, I feel the store is flawed in one aspect. If you want something from someone, you need to give them something. The article recognizes and respects the ideas of incentives in order to motivate employees and therefore obtain a collective goal. Does the store have incentives for opening credit, selling protection plans and certain items? No. Well, unless you think cheering over a walkie talkie suffices. I don't. I think incentives are important because the question of "what's in it for me?" always lingers in my head. Although certain people at the store may say "keeping your job." Um, no. I really don't feel you'd fire someone because they do not meet their goals (which, by the way, are highly unreasonable since I think they should coincide with current economic situations). According to my research amongst employees, no one has been fired for lack of selling. You're main concern should be customer service. Breathing down a customers neck to open credit, mind you, isn't great customer service. If they say no, it's a no. I really, truly believe that if their were some sort of incentive (a fucken soda for instance) then I'm sure goals will increase, although slightly just because of everything that's going around politically.

Something really short: Everything negative that has happened at the store has really got me thinking about becoming a lawyer of civil rights and workers rights. Although many of you might wonder why I don't go speak to the manager...the thing is, I've gotten into two arguments already and I don't want to be known as the employee who is "drama-filled." But I will say something to ED if things do not change.

For those of you who read this, thank you. I'd really appreciate comments or just ... words of encouragement.

Gosh, I feel so much better.

Gracias,
Jose Gonzalez

"I Will Go Down as the Voice of this Generation"- Kanye West

2008-11-14T17:01:00.000-08:00

Note: You may consider me a hater, but realize you're on my blog where I'm free to express whatever.

Turning on my computer and clicking the Mozilla icon, the Yahoo! website appears as it is my homepage. I'm always curious to see the displayed news articles; many are interesting, odd and just plain entertaining. In the little window, there was a picture of Kanye West with big glasses and next to it the words, "Kanye West: Not So Humble." Believe me, I've seen the MTV Music Video Awards and the Grammy's and West is everything but humble. Don't get me wrong, I'm all up for confidence and a narrow range of cockiness, but make sure it's with good reason and not at the expense of others. Some of you may find my position somewhat ironic, seeing as many people consider me cocky and overly confident, but--if you really know me--you know those are just jokes. Yes I say I'm hella fine and sexy, but I'm kidding. Knowing how Kanye is and that he's done this plenty of times before, I know he isn't playing; he fer'real and that's pretty scary.

I've heard Kanye West's music, and--honestly--he isn't my favorite. Most of my friends love music, and--if I'm not mistaken--none of them consider Kanye West the "best musician of our generation." If anything, one of friends straight up told me "I don't like him." I'd like to point out that my pool of opinions is just that, opinions. If you think he's all that then...good for you, I guess. Also, I am generalizing; making my experience seem like a world experience, but it's just how I see the world...it's my blog, whatever.

Please don't misunderstand me, I like "Gold Digger" and "Flashing Lights" but if they happen to play during my iPod Shuffle routine, chances are I would change it to another song. He just isn't all that. What it might be for me is knowing how he is. Despite how good the songs may be, the fact that he's so damn cocky outweighs his musical repertoire and my respect for it. I think that happens often, people are turned off by cockiness and therefore do not support the beholder of that attitude. Same thing happened to me, at least, with America's Best Dance Crew and the cocky group from the Bay Area. When they were introducing the group, I was like, "hey, thas mah crew! reppin' the bay!" But then, when they came up on stage saying the other Dance Crew winners weren't all that and that they are way better, I was turned off. Even the judges noticed. Lil' Mama said, "I like your cockiness because it shows us that you're gonna bring it." And, in reality, they did. However, week after week they got worse and ultimately eliminated. It's interesting though, how this all works and how attitudes have an impact for the flow of external support. Both the Bay Area Dance Crew (i forgot their name...haha, there might be a reason for that) and Kanye West have cockiness, but at the expense of others. The dance crew on the expense of another dance crew, and Kanye on the expense of Timberlake. Kanye alluded to Justin Timberlake's failure to become the generation's voice, because West got to it first. Since, according to the article, Justin Timberlake "went on vacation while [Kanye West] made records." There may be insecurities involved. Like previously mentioned, Kanye noted how Justin vacationed while he made records--clearly elucidating to the fact that he BEAT, in a sense, Timberlake to being the "voice of the generation." Therefore, competition is involved. He knows Timberlake is competition, and his cockiness derives from beating Timberlake to being the voice. This shows weakness. In essence, Kanye somewhat hints that it isn't necessarily ABOUT the MUSIC it's just who BEATS the other musician or singer in the number of albums. Funny thing, I like Timberlake's music a lot more than Kanye. Maybe, Mr. West you're too concerned with the number of albums and music videos your making, that you lose site of the music and the quality of it. It seems like to Kanye it's more about quantity than quality. It's funny how West tries to come off as this strong, tough person who makes fun of other musicians, but looking critically at his arguments and how often he does it suggests a weakness in confidence in respect to the quality of his music. Kanye's actual quote states, ""I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade..." Three words, get over yourself. You ain't all that, and your tough boy image ain't even working with me.

If you want to be the voice of the generation, let the people within that generation decide. You hella can't even decide that. And, from the looks of it, Kanye isn't the voice. Just because you may say your the voice, doesn't necessarily mean you are. Again, weakness--no one says it, so, to make yourself feel better, you say it. It's quite pathetic.

My mom always says, "Es mejor tener pocos buenos amigos, que muchos amigos."

Gracias,
Jose Gonzalez

"Change has Come to America" - Barack Obama

2008-11-11T23:39:00.000-08:00

Apparently many of you have been waiting for me to reflect on the amazingly spectacular victory Obama experienced on November 4, 2008. People pretty much classify me as an "Obama freak who has hella shirts and many stickers and banners," and--really--you're right. I'd like to remind everyone that I've been with Barack Obama since the beginning, since the primary debates, throughout the battle between Hilary Clinton, and--of course--throughout his campaign. As a strong, devout supporter, I cannot express how proud I am of this man. Obama won by a huge unthinkable margin, and many red states turned blue! Virginia, a historically red state, voted for Obama and he even won Florida and many of the swing states. Obama wanted to stretch the electoral map, and he did. We already see the things that can happen with this man, and I am hopeful--like he--in what he can do in the future as our actual president. This, clearly, illustrates the massive influence Barack Obama has on the American people. People LOVE Obama and for many reasons being he's young, a minority, has a great outlook on the country, has hope and seeks undeniable change. Obama is like me, in a sense. He grew up in a low-income home, with a single mother but managed his way out of this with education. I, too, am in the process of doing so. There's a connection.

A day before the election, Obama made an even greater impression on me. Not that he needed it; I already loved him from the beginning! Obama appeared on MTV on a show called "Ask Obama." Pretty much, a day or two before his campaign, Obama took the time to reach out to the young people once again (this is another reason why he is loved by many, he cares about everyone, even the young which helped him the election). John McCain, I think it’s important to point out, denied an appearance on MTV. Clearly, he doesn't really give a shit about the issues of the young people. Anyway, Obama was asked about political leaders trying to pass laws on youth style--particularly on saggy pants. Obama hit a home run with me on this one. He pretty much said that politicians should focus on bigger, more important issues like making jobs, the war on Iraq or education. However, he said, "brothas should pull up their pants. You're walking in front of your mom and grandmother...what is that?" I heard that, Barack! It just shows how young and hip Obama is, how he can connect with the young people, just relating to us makes him so much more appealing. It gives young people a sense that "the president is on my side. He actually cares for us." In all honestly, I really feel he cares for everyone. As the lyrics to “We are the Ones” say, "Obama is the man of the people, not just the top ten percent."

Barack Obama ran for president with, as his book is titled, an audacity of hope. Many people have never heard of him before, he has only been in congress for a very short time and many people still looked down upon African-Americans. To tell you the truth, I really didn't care much for any of the candidates during the primaries when all the democrats ran. However, Obama stood out. Obama has this charisma, and a completely new outlook for the future of the country. Of particular importance, Obama was the only candidate who addressed the "Dream Act" and his desire to pass it; I'm a strong supporter of the Dream Act and education in general. It just shows how his pass influences his policies, and if his pass looks like mine, than he's my president. Despite what little I knew and what most people knew about Obama, we felt that he always has immense hope in the American people and understood their hunger for change. The reason I do get so emotional is that this man has overcome so many obstacles in life and of course because he is an African-American who shattered the glass ceiling for many minorities. Anything is possible. It's no longer just a notion or theory of the American dream; Obama proved the theory...and makes me even more hopeful in what I can achieve in the future. I think the tears we saw throughout the United States during Obama's speech elucidates everyone's understanding that you can do whatever, we're practically limitless. If you’re mad at me for bringing up the "race card," I really don't care. If you haven't read Obama's Dreams of my Father, you wouldn't understand why I would bring up the race card and its importance and significance in Obama's amazing victory. Before you judge me for anything regarding race, educate yourself and read his book.

Many of our hopes, dreams and aspirations have been placed on Obama for obvious purposes. However, I'd like to remind everyone that voters have very high expectations of President-elect Obama. Change will come, but it will take time. Obama cannot change everything and cannot make everyone happy, but I'm damn sure that he will try anything in his power to make our lives better. He had a press conference today, and his main priority is easing the impact of the horrible economy on low to middle class citizens. Obama, thank you. We need it. For the first time since I started to understand and get into politics, I really wanted a president to win...in my heart, I wanted him to win. The only way I can express how I felt is when I applied to Berkeley and really, really wanted to get in. Once Obama won the presidency, once CNN posted on their website "Obama makes history," I felt as if I just received my acceptance letter to Berkeley. It was the exact same feeling, with tears, smiles and everything. I'm usually an optimistic person, and it has paid off often.

To the American people, thank you for making the right decision. Thank you for believing in Obama just as much as I do. Thank you for making a change. Moreover, thank you for having the audacity of hope.

Sincerely,
Jose Gonzalez
Obama'08

"Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could walk. Martin Luther King walked so Barack Obama could run. Barack Obama is running so our children can fly."- Unknown

"For Racial Reasons, I Don't Support Obama"- Co-Worker

2008-11-11T22:40:00.000-08:00

I swear, sometimes I wonder about the stupidity of people. Are you seriously brain-damaged, or are you really that dumb and ignorant? Now, let's get to steppin with my experience... Also, don't think that I'm mad or anything just because I'm a hardcore Obama supporter. Bias? Maybe. However, this is my blog, so whatever. I'm trying to cast light on the idea of tolerance.

Context:

I was on my break, and enjoying a cheesecake slice I received free at Jack in the Box because I waited hella long to get my food. When I was there, several supervisors surrounded the table and we ate, talked and discussed many things. Although I was not really into the whole "let's get to know each other" act, I played along seeming more interested than I really was. Somehow, we managed to get on the topic of politics, since we saw a newspaper on the table with Obama on the front cover. One of the supervisors asked us whom we were supporting, three said Obama, and one said McCain. Despite my huge love and support for Obama, I have grown accustomed to respecting others opinions. However, because this person was a minority, I wondered why she supported McCain, I asked her...and her response was, "I don't support Obama for racial reasons." In other words, she is supporting McCain because the other candidate is Black. Racist? I have my opinion, but that's up to you to decide.

Discussion:

First off, let's not get it twisted...yes Obama is black, but he is half and half white. It amazes me, even know, when people think racism has disappeared that it still remains stronger than ever. Despite Obama's "white" half, he is still considered a 100% black man. The one-drop rule? Definitely. In addition, this woman's position on Obama reflects society’s negative and highly stereotypical outlook on the Black community. However, beezy, let's not get it twisted (for the second time). Obama grew up in a poor family in Hawaii and managed to get an excellent law education at Harvard University. He is a lawyer with a J.D. degree from Harvard! One important aspect I believe is pivotal for understanding Obama is his decision to go to an underprivileged community in Chicago, and work for the poor in the city--with a Harvard degree! If this doesn't amaze you, than honestly nothing does. There is a reason why so many people love Obama: the young, the old, minorities, the majority group, people across the globe. Did you even see how he was received in Berlin?! By masses of people, supporting this candidate! Although counterarguments suggest that he doesn't have "foreign policy experience”, the mere fact that he is respected, loved and cherished by people outside the country illustrates an amazing future for the United States in terms of international relations. Oh, and please, don't get it twisted--Obama has always not supported the war on Iraq. On one occasion in a debate, Mc Cain said he didn't care how long it took, "it could even take 100 years" as long as we win the war.... what do you think of that?

Her reasoning behind her support for Mc Cain is seriously flawed. Not only does her reason suggest a pure lack of knowledge on the candidate, but it also elucidates a complete disregard for what the candidate stands for. Have you even seen the debates? Obama wants to increase taxes for those people who earn $250,000 a year or more leaving those under this alone--free of tax increase. Obama knows he is above this threshold, yet he stands for this position. Obama came from a poor neighborhood, and understand what it is to be underprivileged. He is the man of the people, and that means everyone. It really pisses me off to think that voters are actually going to the polls with "race" being a primary factor for their vote. Race isn't real, it doesn't exist, it's a social construction--and therefore, any vote based on racial terms only suggest that one is giving into social constructions and not thinking for themselves! Elections are--or should be--based primarily on the issues, of whom you think will be best for the country. If you believe race has something to do with it, then you are seriously disturbed and frankly quite stupid.

If you’re voting on the basis of race, do us all a favor and don't vote because you are ignoring what an election is about--change, a new route for the country. Ignoring the issues and the solutions for those issues because, for some dumbass reason you think race has HELLA to do with the candidates potential, not only puts the country at risk since you're an uneducated vote but it puts you at risk. What candidate is looking out for you? Oh wait, you wouldn't know, since you're voting based solely on skin color. Stupid, so fucken stupid it's disturbing.

Thanks for reading this if you read the entire thing. I just needed to rant.

Thanks,
Jose Gonzalez

If you got shit to say about what I think, please send those on a comment or in a message. I'd love to talk about this more.